Empathy

My neighbor passed away this past Monday. He was inching towards 50 years old and he had a wife and a son and daughter. I was one of the few standing outside listening to the news from my other neighbor that the friendliest guy on the block had hung himself in his basement while his family was at work and school.

I used to ride the bus with his son who is 2 years younger than me. We were friendly, but not too close because we were both very shy. I just got home from his father's wake and I was amazed by how many teachers, neighbors, school administrators, friends, and family that showed up. It was so overwhelming to walk into the funeral home and see so many people there paying their respects to this one man and his family. It's hard to say why my neighbor died because no one knows what happens behind closed doors. To take your own life you would have to feel completely hopeless, but this man had a son that just got into Harvard on a football scholarship and a daughter who is only 8 years old. Some say he was on the verge of getting a divorce. His wife seemed more angry than upset as she greeted people.

When I arrived to the wake I had a lump in my throat. I was still so close to the entrance that I didn't get a glimpse of anyone crying yet, but as I walked further into the funeral home and closer to the casket my emotions were bubbling. Phil, the son was one of the first people I saw and immediately I hugged him. I was so overwhelmed and choked up that when I went to say "I'm sorry for your loss" nothing seemed to come out of my mouth. It had been a long time since I last talked to him, but he still knew me. He said "hey steph" and I saw how blood shot his eyes were from crying that I started to tear up. Then as I walked further into the room and over to greet Phil's grandparents I burst into tears. I shook the grandparents hands and said I was sorry for their loss. The grandmother sat mostly in silence at the wake, but did occasionally mutter to herself in grief and despair "my son....my son...my son."

After I made my way around the room I sat down facing the exit. The eight year old daughter came up to me and my parents and said "I guess I'm the bravest one in the family" and the only thought that ran in my head was, her father's death must have not hit her yet. The funeral home became so packed that we were all pushed into two rooms standing shoulder to shoulder. At that time my parents and I decided to leave. We started to head out and we said our goodbyes to the son. We all hugged him and when it was my turn I finally said I was sorry for the loss of his father and then he thanked us for coming.

My Dad decided to stay a little longer with our family friend, Dominic and his daughter, Sam. My Mom and I headed out with Dominic's wife, Melissa to go pick up their other daughter, Lauren. While we were driving to pick up Lauren I kept thinking how I should have stayed at the wake longer with my Dad. When Melissa got out of the car to get Lauren, I burst into tears just thinking about Lindsay, this sweet little girl. How is she going to feel all dressed up on her wedding day without her father there for give her away at the alter. It was heartbreaking seeing them at that wake and it still hurts to think about Phil and how he'll feel at his first football game at Harvard without his father there to cheer him on after all the games he attended at High School.

People who commit suicide do not realize that their death has a domino effect. When someone dies, their death affects so many people and it's sad that Phil's father was so unhappy that felt the need to take his own life and leave like this. His death shook a lot of people, especially his kids. Their lives will be completely different now with him gone. It is the children I feel the most empathy for, to be without a father or mother is a terrible loss.

King Tut's Exhibit!

Tonight, my parents were invited to a VIP showing of the King Tut exhibit in the city. It's in a more private gallery I believe in time square. I am going tonight with my friend Kim, but we are just going to the exhibit. This is the last time King Tut will be in North America. He is usually shown in the U.K. and the last time he was here was in the 1970's. I have been obsessed with Egyptology since I was probably seven or eight years old. I have dozens of books on different Kings of Ancient Egypt and other books specifically on the study of Ancient Egypt. I also have videos that my Aunt gave me about Egypt. I don't know what it is, but it's such a fascinating civilization. They were so advanced and complex, much like Ancient China and the Mayans. I have this huge book all about King Tut and I have always wanted to see him in an exhibit and I hear that the exhibit I'm seeing tonight has a lot on display. King Tut had several different wooden shrines and a quartzite sarcophagus when he was buried and he was buried with all of his valuables and necessities that he used while he was alive to bring into the after life. King Tutankhamun's tomb was found by Howard Carter in November 1922. King Tut's death was said to be unexpected and when he died the tomb he was buried in was not specifically cut for him. He was supposedly buried in his regent's tomb, Ay. Anyways, I don't want to bore anyone with King Tut's history so I'll leave it to that. =)

April

Summer is so close, but it feels like the weeks are going by incredibly slow. I declared my major today and I am officially a Photography major. I SHOULD have been declared at the beginning, but my advisor has been a terrible advisor. He doesn't advise me or direct me in any way really. I told him I had problems with my Spanish teacher and he said not to say anything to him beside, "what am I doing wrong? How can I improve my grade?" Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't do anything wrong. Spanish was always my favorite class and this teacher made me want to punch his face in. I sat in the back and was the first one to show up to class and the first one to leave. Now that I am not in that class anymore an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am no longer stressed out and I can actually think clearer. All my friends and family have noticed after I dropped the class that my attitude is completely different. I'm no longer annoyed all the time or stressed about my spanish grade. Now I feel more optimistic about how I will finish off this semester. Now all I need is to fully recover from my allergies and cold or whatever I have.

=)

I'm Just Being A Negative Nelly

My blog is literally the debbie downer of blogs. This semester has been the worst. I have been getting sick on and off and then with the accident I was without a car for a month and a half. Then this easter break none of my family came to my house like we usually do. My mom found out her first cousin died on Easter in his apartment. The police found him on the floor in his bedroom. She has been strong through the whole grieving process, but we will all be a mess this weekend at the wake and funeral. We're having a small get together in his honor as well similar to shiva. It's like the shiva for Italians.

On top of all of this my allergies are so bad that I feel like I am slowly dying. My throat closed up the other day and I went to the doctor because I could barely breathe or talk and the doctor said it was allergies. I have been set back in my work because of the oral surgery (wisdom teeth) and now that the pollen is so high I can't focus because I'm on all this allergy medicine and other medications like antibiotics for my mouth. I just went through a box of tissues because my nose won't stop running. I have to present tomorrow in this class and I don't even know if I will have a voice. It keeps coming and going and it's annoying because I'll think I'm fine and then I go to talk to someone and my voice cracks as if I were a thirteen year old boy. I just want this semester to end.

I got an email from my spanish teacher and as of right now I am failing my spanish class. It's funny to think I was just on the Dean's List last semester and now I'm failing a class. He says I don't do much in class or outside of class, which is entirely not true. Instead of putting the blame on himself he blames the students. I asked him repeatedly for help and I got no response until now.

I babysat today and got into little fights with a two year old. I think it's because she doesn't know what to say so she gets frustrated when I do something that she didn't ask for? I don't know, but it drives me crazy. Her Mom spoils her when she comes home from the gym not knowing her daughter threw several temper tantrums while I was there. I guess that's why they call it "Terrible Two's." Anyways I need to get my work done =(

Bye Bye Wisdom Teeth

So yesterday, I had my upper wisdom teeth removed and I am in so much pain. I had to wait in the waiting room for almost two hours, which drove me crazy because getting your teeth pulled is something you don't want to wait for. You just want to get it over with so you can deal with the pain and move on. I asked them to put me under anesthesia because when I had my bottom wisdom teeth taken out it literally scarred me. I had to hear everything and my teeth were fully grown in. In order to take out the teeth they had to crack the teeth before they took them out. Can you imagine being wide awake hearing the doctor practically chiseling away at your teeth. Not so pleasant. It took me four years to give in to get my top wisdom teeth taken out and I went to a different doctor. He reminds me of this bad guy from Lost, old looking, big nose, but he was very nice. I was asleep for most of the surgery, but woke up towards the end after the teeth were out, thank goodness.

Being home has been nice even though I'm a great deal of pain and my face is swollen. I had an ice pack wrapped around my face yesterday. Sure it was difficult to breathe, but the cold ice pack felt amazing on my swollen face. The medicine I'm taking makes me extremely loopy and the doctor said while I am on it I can't drive.

All next week I will be in training and I will be rowing twice a day. I am hoping that I will be fully healed and recovered by then. As of right now, don't know if that will happen.

Despicable Me (haha like the movie)

February and March haven't been going too well. I feel like I am the biggest scatterbrain lately. I don't know what is wrong with me. As stupid as this sounds I was so on top of my game when the semester hit off, but constantly being put down by that one annoying teacher, being called clueless and an airhead makes me want to give up on everything I work for. Crew started and I have never been this tired in my life. You would think after four years of rowing I would get used to this, but I'm physically and now mentally drained. I want spring break to come already so I can regain all my strength. I would take a mental health day, but the past days I've missed of classes are either because of the freaky weather or not having a car from the accident. It has been over a month and I still am using my Mom's minivan to drive to school. I'm hoping that this week flies by because my brain is slowly shutting down. I just want to sleep, row, eat and do nothing for a week so that I can be put together for when school starts in April. At least the semester is well over halfway done. I honestly think that senioritis came a year late because my brain is mush right now. I have so much work to do and midterms to study for that are coming up. I keep forgetting about this blog because I always post on Saturday or Sunday when I am at my computer. Fridays are busy because I coach a high school rowing team alongside my coach for Hofstra and Sagamore, the team I was on in high school. I'm hoping I can get all my work done today so I can worry less about how my grades will turn out this semester.

Finally....

I am on time for this blog for once! I am watching Scrubs right now before I go to my old high school's play. One of my friend's who is a year younger than me has the lead role. The play or musical they are showing is "The King and I." I used to be on the stage crew when I was in high school, but I left in perfect timing because the people who are on stage crew now are all freshmen everyone else quit (go figure).

Today wasn't that bad. My spanish teacher didn't yell at the class, which was amazing because he is a nasty teacher. In all my years at school have never come CLOSE to failing in a class and I am getting D's in this class. I have no idea what I am doing wrong and I'm too afraid to approach him because he just yells at you and makes you look like everything is your fault and he is just the most amazing teacher in the world, which is completely wrong. I just want this semester to end and I want to finish this class with a passing grade. I want summer. I want the beach. I want to stop looking so pale and people asking me if I'm sick. No, I'm not sick I just haven't seen sunlight in months, not a big deal. I'm so desperate to be sun-kissed I have even considered the tanning salon. It's the closest I can get to the sun without paying a fortune to go on vacation.

I have, however, been saving up for a trip to Florida because my best friend from middle school moved there right before we went to high school. We're still really close and she usually visits every winter, but because her and I have low paying jobs and both our families aren't doing as well financially we haven't seen each other in a little over a year.

I'm so thankful it's the weekend. This week was probably one of the longest weeks this semester. I have so much work to do, but right now all I want to do is sleep. =)